Mango Sauce Part IV
Hope. [hōp] n. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
There it is, defined. Do I really know what it means anymore? Not sure. I don’t think there is an ounce of hope left in my system. In fact, I think hope took a vacation. Actually, hope completely skipped town without me. Thanks a lot. You know I could use that vacation too.
The whole Mango and Brownstone thing is just probably not going to happen. Yes, I know I will get hit with the following: WHAT??? Didn’t you just leave off at a high note in part three? Did I miss part 3.5 or something? What happened?
Well nothing. A whole lot of nothing. A week after I last saw her, she came over my place on her day off and we had the “talk.” She launched right into her intentions - and so began the inevitable discussion about what we were doing. She seemed pretty set that her life was in turmoil and she should focus on her studies instead of relationships. In tears Mango relayed that she didn’t think she should be seeing someone right now. I told her that I didn’t want to complicate her life and that she should go and do her thing, if it would make her happy. I questioned why she was crying when she was pretty set to do what she wanted, and whether she was conflicted by the entire spiel. I am in the dark, really. As always.
But, shit. I am feeling down about it. Really run down. I am ecstatic that she is going to get her life straightened out but I’d be a lying fool if I didn’t also mention that I’d prefer to be right there with her instead of on the outside. All because I desired US to happen although I suspected that things were way too good to be true. I am glad that we reconnected and that we are in touch with no animosity, but this is just brutal especially after last week. Stomping my feet and being vocal about how I want things to be comes off as selfish, and I wasn’t going to have a repeat of January on my hands. That is not my deal - I’m way too old for this shit. It’s just a very empty feeling altogether, especially when there is little I can do to change things.
Coming off a divorce, the feeling is all-too-familiar. And I really don’t know what to think/do at this point but just keep my head up and trudge forward. The steps are heavy, but they are steps nonetheless - in a direction that is way uncertain and likely without her. Oddly, I think something may be in the air. My blog brethren, Ha Ha Sound had a similarly defeating day recently. Though our situations are way different, a knife to the heart is still a knife to the heart and I can relate to the feeling.
Alexander Pope writes that hope springs eternal. Not in these parts, buddy. Hope actually can breed heartache, especially if the end result is not realized to expectation - despite all the faith in the world. Poof! There goes the hope. Just like that.
They say a tornado hit Brooklyn this morning. I like to think there was another with only one eyewitness on the UWS. 
I do think there is something in the air.
I agree though, no matter what the circumstances are surrounding it, “a knife to the heart is still a knife to the heart.” Unfortunately, I think the knives are out there looking for some new victims right now. It’s like they are trying to reach thier quota or something.
You and HaHa should hook up for a drink or five. If l was in NYC l would join in too being the female equivelent of what you are both encountering:) Well because lm not l will share my thoughts. We need to fill up the empty spaces ourselves for then we can go into a relationship feeling whole and not in need of the other to fill us up. For then we become dependent on them and if they go we are at the start all over again. l sincerely think that you are completing from the divorce, lm sure this would have been hard. Just think all of these experiences are showing you what you do want and what you dont want. It’s time to trust the perfect one is on her way!
To play devil’s advocate, engaging in a relationship when you know that you are not emotionally capable is more damaging to both parties than deciding to get your head straightened out first. You are kind person to recognize that and support her in her decision. But I am sorry that the air was let out of the balloon so quickly for you…
Hang in there.
Ugh. Dude, I am so sorry to read this. Really. I was happy that things seemed to be going so well for you. Knife in the heart, indeed.
Aren’t there any nice, straightforward, normal women in NYC who aren’t completely conflicted by the turmoil in their lives? Seriously. I’m not asking this rhetorically. If you’re out there, give Brownstone and I a call.
ok I am offically taking you and HA HA sound over to Scores immediately, we are going to watch strippers.. I will even let them eat a bill out of my clevage if you want, then we will treat women like meat and then I will try and get up on stage and you both will have to pull me off screaming “but just let me be a dancer!..”…seriously I am thinking this kind of women-shock-therapy could work…
NYCPonderings, that sounds awesome. When do we go?
First off, all of you guys rule. Thanks for all of your feedback. If it weren’t for you guys, this blog would be way boring. For that I love you all. Don’t worry too much about Mango and I. From what I understand, this was the “Thai way” of playing ‘hard to get’… Thai girls have it down to an art, much like my dwelling-prowess. But I refuse to play that game. I am just staying put, and if something happens… it will. If it doesn’t, I am not waiting around. HaHa, NYCPonderings - chop chop, folks. What are we waiting for??
Keep your head up man. We’re all meant to be where we’re meant to be at the end of the day… and that applies to love as well. All of our trials and tribulations will make sense in the end, we just can’t what our purpose is now until we look back on things.
Sorry to hear about mango and brownstone. If you really think about it long and hard, it is probably for the best. I know you already heard that, but think about how lucky you are. You saved youself a lot of time, energy, money and more importantly drama. Trust me, you dont need anymore drama or anything that will complicate your life. I have been thinking about your situation and these crazy girls you keep meeting and I was wondering. What if the problem is not with these nucklehead girls. What if and this is a big IF, the problem is with you. Perhaps your standards have came down a bit or perhaps you need to take a good hard look at yourself and answer the question. What are you really looking for. Do yourself a big favor and answer that question truthfully. Take as long as you need and once you know what you are really looking for then start again. If you are sincere then you will find the person that IS or comes very close to what you are truly looking for.
Always your friend.